Dealing with Grief and finding a therapist

After 41 years in a wonderful marriage, I lost the love of my life and my true soul mate to cancer. For 15 months, I’d been the primary care giver and had nothing left. As expected, I spent several months crying my eyes out and wondering where my life would go next.


We didn’t have any friends. We were best friends and soulmates. It was truly love at first sight. I remember in vivid detail every minute of our first date. I remember where we went, how the exterior and interior were decorated and how we talked like we’d known each other forever. As years passed, it seemed that we had known each other that long. Ours was a relationship that was the envy of many. We almost never had an argument and we never raised our voices when we did.


We were faithful to the end. We did hospice care in our home. I was the soul and only caregiver until the last minute. I was lost, hurt and devastated.


I went to my doctor and had a complete physical. She suggested that I give up wheat and change my diet. My health was good, she said this would be better for me. I made significant changes in my diet and it was better for me.


My visions and daydreams (the movies in my head) all concerned my loss. Places we’d been and things we’d done brought up more negatives and amplified my loss. My life seemed focused on past events. I knew that if I was going to ever have a new life direction, I had to look FORWARD to new things. I had to set new goals. I kept being reminded of the past seemingly by everything.


Apparently, it’s important to let out emotions and boy, did I ever. I had the cleanest tear ducts for several counties. I made it the first month in a state of shock. Slowly, I began to take on new activities. The death occurred in the dead of winter and by spring, I was planning a landscaping renovation of the back yard. That started my mind on new things, but it was rather hollow.


I needed new friends, places to go and things to do that would take me out of this house.  I had a close friend who’d grown up a biker and was always doing fun things on a bike. I thought this might be fun, so I started looking at Harleys online.


Now, I’ve been a loyal Honda person all my life. I’ve driven Honda cars, had a Honda lawn mower, Honda generator, Honda outboard motor, Honda toaster, no wait. If I was just going to buy a motorcycle, it should be a Honda. I’ve had a lot of little Honda motorcycles over the years, the largest of which was a 350. Mostly I’d ridden around town, commuted cheaply to work and explored campgrounds and parks. I didn’t do the open road, but I did have the motorcycle endorsement on my license.


But nobody goes on a Honda poker run. Leather Honda jackets and skull tattoos are few and far between. No, I wanted a social life. I wanted a big, loud, smoke belching, oil leaking Harley Davidson.  Could I actually ride one?  Could I even hold it up?  How would I know? Never done it.